Like most people these days I struggle with my mood and anxiety. There's a lot to be anxious about no matter where you identify on the spectrum of conservative to liberal, so-called alt-right to (would you believe it?) "alt-left." I actually saw this term bandied about online yesterday and I have no idea what that even means - if it means anything. I digress. It's really easy to take up the current struggles as a way to avoid your own problems. And I struggle a good deal with myself and feelings of satisfaction with life. Maybe its because I'm an artist and sometimes when you are in the throes of creative process everything just seems like churning of the wheels and so much muddy crap, whether its writing or a project in the studio. Other times light shines through and you get the green light to go ahead because the way seems clear. But self doubt is a killer. For me it takes the form of self judgment - the list is endless: hateful wispy gray hair that has replaced my brown curls, the little wedge of fat that has installed itself on my belly and taken up residence. The usual signs of age- failing memory and gums, the need to have twenty pairs of reading glasses laying about the house - especially in the bathroom. I need to remember that for an almost 60 year old I'm in doing okay. My husband tells me not to grovel. "You're in ten times better shape than most people your age. Buck up." I appreciate his efforts, but that's really no help.
Then of course judgment gets projected onto others and the green monster rears its head - "She looks much better than me. How is that fair?" Why can't I just get this petty stuff out of my head? There are lots more important things to fret about - health care, Syrian refugees, the Supreme Courts, the Emoluments Clause. Joan Boryshenko would say judgment and jealousy are aspects of small mind which keep us disconnected from our higher self. A form of rumination which keeps us grounded in suffering. I was speaking to a new friend the other day about her insomnia and how rumination is what often keeps her awake.
Joseph Goldstein is one of my gurus and his book
Insight Meditation has become a bible for me. I reread it every time I need to reset my course for right living. He makes several good suggestions about rumination or thoughts of any kind. A meditation practice can involve noticing thoughts and labeling them as they arise: "Well that's jealousy - or anger or I'm feeling tremendous joy." Noticing them helps you step away from thoughts - the good and the bad - and let them go. They are just momentary impulses in our brains. Some how being told you can let go of a thought makes it easier for me to do so - not that I am always successful. But this can be helpful at three in the morning when the dog wakes you up and you can't get back to sleep.
He is even more helpful about self judgment or judgment of any kind. He suggests noticing any time you judge yourself or anyone else and number it. "I'm fat" - judgment one, "My husband's comment's are annoying to me." - judgment two, etc... He suggests that before your know it you will have counted so many judgments you will have to laugh because it will be every other thought. It becomes easier then to notice judgment and to have kinder thoughts toward yourself and especially toward your spouse. I also like that he suggests adding the phrase "blue skies" after each judgment. "My neighbor is a mean person - blue skies;" "The Republicans are selling our country up river - blue skies." This has the effect of making you step back from the intensity of feeling about the judgment (just as with thought labeling) and makes it easier to just let the judgment go. Life becomes lighter - less intense. More easy to manage.
What has this got to do with persistence? Well it takes some persistence, but if you try the result just might be kinder more compassionate thoughts for yourself and others. And that can make for a better day despite politics.
On the subject of persistence - I have fallen in love with the young actor Sunny Pawar in LION. He plays the young Dev Patel character at 5 years old in Northern India telling Saroo Brierley's story of getting onto an abandoned train, which separates him from his family for 25 years. Its a real tear jerker, but the face on this young actor tells the story with very little dialogue. The look of determination and intelligence is just hopeful. And he persists. I won't describe anything more. Just go see it for yourself. Garth Davis directed and the film is supporting funding for street children in Calcutta.
I'm reminded also of the new t-shirts that read "Never the less she persisted." Not a bad mantra at all.
